INFORMATION FOR PARENTS

Children are telling us:

1. Parents did not understand their feelings – they were too busy being angry.
2. Children can’t tell their parents how upset they are if they see their parents are too angry or upset.
3. They needed reassurance about the future.
4. They needed reassurance that both parents still loved them and the separation was not their fault.

Your children need your time, attention and continuing love:

1. Nearly half of them thought separation would be temporary.
2. It was worse when they did not know what was happening or what decisions were being taken.
3. Those who are least happy are those who feel they cannot talk to their parents or influence the decisions about their own time.
4. Lack of information made them feel more insecure.
5. Children can understand more than their parents think they can.

Your children will be helped by straightforward information about how the separation will effect their lives:

1. They don’t like feeling guilty or anxious about their time with the other parent.
2. They are keen to treat their parents equally and to have a ‘fair share’ of time with each.
3. They also want to maintain their own friends and activities.
4. They would like to be consulted but they don’t want to choose between parents, or be asked to make decisions.
5. They want to have both parents involved in their lives – the children were not divorced.

Your children will want a good relationship with you both after separation:

1. It is hard when they have to be the message carrier.
2. Children are helped by good communication between adults about them.
3. Seeing or hearing their Mum and Dad fighting makes them sad, anxious and hurt.
4. It is hard to cope when they are used as a support person for a adult.
5. Children who are part of family conflict in these ways may be affected into their own adulthood.

Your children will not want to be involved in the parental conflict:

1. They have needs of their own – for friends etc – that might be hard for you to hear and act on
2. Sometimes there are things they want to keep private
3. Sometimes they genuinely “do not know” when a question is asked
4. Sometimes they want to be quiet
5. Just showing you care is enough at these times

Your children need your respect as individuals.

Experience has shown us:

1. Younger children are frequently upset when they change from being with one parent to the other
2. In any children, upset and anxiety can take the form of bedwetting, anger, tears, tantrums
3. Sometimes unhappy children act in ways they have previously grown out of
4. Children don’t cope well with uncertainty. They are happier when there are clear arrangements that they know about
5. Parents can have different styles of parenting which can cause difficulties for children when communication is bad

These responses are normal but can be reduced by consistency, good communication and cooperation

ADULT BUSINESS

1. Routines,
2. Rules,
3. Arguments and conflict,
4. The nuts and bolts of separation or divorce,
5. Legal things,
6. Their own anger and emotion

CHILDREN’S BUSINESS

1. The chance to say what they think and feel,
2. Consultation and respect,
3. Space for their wider family and friends,
4. Factual explanation of what is happening between their parents,
5. Their activities and childhood.